I love you from the heart of my bottom
Some people (the Black Eyed Peas) often ask me ‘Where is the love?’ I say to them (and Wet Wet Wet), love is all around you and so the feeling grows. I then take a cold shower.
If, having cooled my ardour, they’re still not happy with this answer, I refer them to Aerosmith’s seminal track ‘Lovin’ in elevator, living it up when we’re going down’. So, where is the love? It’s in an elevator. Simple as.
Who says romance is dead? Well, according to the latest press missive from Prudential, romance is not only dead, it’s maggot-ridden corpse is stinking the whole place out. ‘The Pru has looked into the level of importance we place on money in romantic relationships and when choosing a partner,’ reads the release.
Leaving aside the obvious question of ‘what’s the point of that?’ let’s move onto the ground-breaking results of this survey.
Firstly, ‘one-in-four adults know someone in a relationship for their partner’s money’. The man from the Pru calls this ‘staggering’; I say why so low? Secondly, ‘only 16 per cent say money is not at all important in relationships’.
I would hazard a guess that this 16 per cent probably don’t know the cost of a pint of milk, let alone a packet of three. Thirdly, ‘one-in-ten has spent over £800 on a single occasion to impress a date’. Does the definition of ‘date’ include prostitutes?
And finally, ‘one-in-ten men has lied to a date about the size of their [wait for it] wallet’. And ten out of ten have lied about the size of their genitals.
All good stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree. But, who could have come up with such incisive research? A man who holds the job title of director of brand and insight at Prudential of course.
Step forward corporate Cupid himself Angus Maciver. Angus’s insight is far-reaching. “I’m not sure if the importance we place on money in relationships relates to us being shallow [Er…yes it does]; for most it’s probably more about being practical. Being financially secure, while not everything, certainly makes life and in many cases our personal relationships a lot easier.”
Angus, you old romantic you. Howard Jones once asked the question ‘What is love?’ and finally Angus has the answer. Love is a waste of time, you’re better off being practical. A nation of florists gently weep.
Hero to zero
Each issue we ask an industry expert to pick out the good and the bad in the industry. The ugly know who they are. This week Vanessa Blount of PAA dishes out the brickbats and bouquets
Hero
It’s extremely rare for me to be complimentary about politicians but hats off to Gordon Brown for initiating an ambitious programme of action to alleviate the appalling plight of debt-ridden Africa through the G8.
Dare I hope that there’s genuinely more to politicians than the oft-held view of them as self-seeking, PR-manipulated clones without sufficient moral courage to do anything other than toe their particular party line, jump on the latest vote-catching bandwagon and blatantly ignore every searching question put to them by the media…or am I alone in cynically thinking along those lines?
Oh, apologies I forgot for a moment he is my hero. With the upcoming Live8 concerts and the recent outpouring of support and donations for Tsunami relief, it’s clear that, despite occasional headlines to the contrary, Britain has an amazing capacity for compassion and concern for those less fortunate.
While debt relief alone will not solve the problems of corruption, HIV/AIDS, racism or genocide, which continue to threaten the continent of Africa, it’s good to see that the Chancellor is leading the way with this radical and innovative approach for the problems that have persisted for far too long.
Zero
But if ‘radical’ and ‘innovative’ are good enough for our Prime Minister in waiting, why not apply a little of that same approach to burdens on the British tax payer, most notably in amending the iniquitous scam of inheritance tax?
Though it pales into insignificance in comparison with the corruption so prevalent in Africa, it’s possibly the closest thing to government-sponsored theft imaginable.
So let’s get this in some kind of perspective. You’re expected to work hard all your life (to the age of 75 if you’re a South East-based Nationwide employee trying to get your first-time buyer deposit together), once you do manage to buy a house you may then have to pay stamp duty of up to 4 per cent.
You may choose or be able to pay for private health care and schooling; you pay high rates of income tax, national insurance, petrol duty (in whatever form that may take but for sure it won’t be any less in the future) and VAT; then finally you have to give up a huge proportion of what you’ve managed to cobble together against the odds.
Not only that – you’re dead and can hardly argue the toss. Come on Gordon – you can do better. Events of the past week have proved that to be the case.
Dial zero for muppet
This is the third instalment in our irregular series entitled ‘I wish you’d phone the right number’. This week, the phone call went something like this:
MI: Hello, Mortgage Introducer.
Caller: Hi, can I speak to Sally Laker please?
MI: Er…she’s the managing director of Mortgage Intelligence; you’ve come through to Mortgage Introducer magazine.
Caller: Oh…is Sally not there then?
MI: No, Sally doesn’t work here. This is Mortgage Introducer magazine; you need to phone Mortgage Intelligence.
Caller: Yes I know.
MI: Right…er…bye.
Caller: Bye.
Lord please forgive them, for they not not what they do.
