7 critical life lessons I wish I’d learned 30 years ago

At 57 years old, I’m able to look back and view my life in an utterly different light from when I was 40, 30 or 20. So much of what I believed was crucial to my success and happiness when I was in my 20s and 30s proved to be erroneous and misguided. And most of those misguided notions were based on the “shoulds ” we are taught and hear every day – what society, our families, or the “group think” deems as “success” (meaning: make a lot of money, have a big house, rise to a high level in corporate America, strive for power and influence, etc.). The problem is that these outer measures of “success” simply cannot and will not give us the fulfillment, meaning and wholehearted contentment and peace we’re longing for.

Interestingly, I achieved all of those measures of success at one point or another, and literally none of them have come close to yielding the happiness and fulfillment I craved.

On the other hand, the endeavors that have made me who I am today (and paved the way for so much more joy and deep fulfillment) are all around experiencing wholehearted love, honesty, compassion, healing, building strong boundaries, mustering intense commitment, taking big risks, and bravely standing up for who I really am at my core, and making as good use of that in the world as I can.

In looking back, I’ve found there are 7 powerful lessons of my life that I wish I’d understood long before now.

#1: Make a brave decision on what you want to stand for

It took me until I was 41 years old to start standing up and speaking up powerfully for myself and my life, and never again will I let others define or suppress me.

Before it’s too late, you need to “find your brave” and make a powerful stand about who you want to be in the world, and what you stand for. It’s also time to STOP tolerating and allowing what you can no longer accept, in your life and in the world. What do you want to stand for, starting right now?

#2: Never compromise your soul

There are things that it’s ok to compromise on – perhaps the size of your home or the geographic location of your job or the length of your commute. But it’s NOT ok to compromise your soul. If you do, disastrous outcomes will occur. Know what keeps your spirit alive and honor that with all you’ve got. For me, that’s truth, transparency, compassion, strength and integrity. For years I couldn’t freely express any of those without punishment or suppression. If I can’t live those qualities in my work or my relationships, I start to wither, fail and disappear. But I’ve learned what’s required to honor my soul, and I won’t compromise it ever again. What do you need to do to keep your spirt alive?

#3: Engage your wisdom and discernment when you choose whom to love and trust

The people you choose to enter into relationships with – be it through marriage, friendship, business partnerships, work colleagues and those you hire to work with and for you – will dramatically impact the quality and condition of your life. Don’t let people into your life who will hurt or demean, diminish and mistreat you. If you continually attract people who hurt or abuse you, you have to look at what is inside of you that needs healing so you won’t repeat or continue to hook into abusive patterns over and over. And if and when they violate your trust, care and respect, don’t wait to do something self-affirming and powerful about it. Who is in your life today that you now need to move away from?

#4: Don’t wait one single minute more to express and honor your creativity

For so many years, I didn’t see myself as creative – I thought of myself as the “money bags” for my family. But that’s simply not true. I just hadn’t allowed myself to see what’s inside of me. Or more aptly put, I let so many of my creative abilities from my childhood and my teen years go underground – I didn’t understand how valuable they are.

Once I began to honor and nurture the creative force inside, my world changed overnight, and my work became a vehicle through which I could express my creative longings and abilities.

The truth is this: Writers write, painters paint, dancers dance. Just DO the thing you’re desperate to do. Just pick up that paint brush and start committing to painting, today. What creative urge are you desperate to bring forward in your life today?

#5: Get help when you don’t have the strength or power to change what’s necessary

This one is really simple. When you feel that you can’t do what you want to alone, then go get some help. Don’t wait. Reach out to a mentor, a friend, an ally, someone who loves and respects you, and sees the future vision of you before it’s hatched. The truth is, maybe you don’t have what it takes right now, but with the right kind of help, you will. What help can you ask for right now in your life, to get moving towards what you really want?

#6: Don’t break yourself against what is

For years, I stayed stuck in lousy situations, jobs and relationships because I didn’t want to face reality – that I needed a BIG change in my life and in how I was operating in the world, if I wanted to be happy. I broke myself against my reality, instead of going with the flow of it, and changing course, or even making tiny pivots and revisions that would get me out of the bad scenarios I continually attracted.

Don’t break yourself against your reality – change it. And doing that doesn’t mean you have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Figure out some small steps you can take to take today to make a discernible difference in your situation, and start doing them. What reality are you breaking yourself against today?

#7 Let go of the pain, anger and resentment

Wow. I, like you I’m guessing, have experienced so much pain, anger, disappointment resentment and confusion in my lifetime. From relationships that devastated me, to jobs that crushed me, to colleagues who turned on me – I’ve experienced heartbreak that has brought me to my knees. And I know you have too. Life is full of incredibly hard bumps that can leave us broken and bloodied.

But life can also be so very stunningly beautiful, shining and radiant that you’re brought to your knees with amazing gratitude and humility at the sheer beauty and wonder of it.

I’ve learned that it’s a choice – to be either consumed with the terrible pain and anger, or to find a way to heal and release it.

To stay stuck, drowning in the poison of hate and devastated dreams, or to find it in your heart to forgive, see your part in it, let go, and move on to keep building a meaningful and rewarding life.

I’ve learned that holding onto the pain and anger misses the whole point of living. We didn’t come here, to this planet at this time, to spend our entire life here in a state of rage and disillusionment. We came here to learn, grow and thrive.

So, what pain and anger are you hanging onto that you need to release?

I continue to learn these 9 lessons every day, every minute, but re-learning them has transformed my life. I only wish I had learned them sooner.

Kathy Caprino, M.A. is an international career and personal growth coach, writer, speaker and leadership developer dedicated to the helping professionals build happier, braver lives and careers. The author of Breakdown, Breakthrough, and founder of Ellia Communications, Inc., the Amazing Career Project and Amazing Career Certification training for coaches, she is also a leading contributor on Forbes, Thrive Global, and LinkedIn, a TEDx speaker, and top media source on career and personal growth, leadership, and women's issues. For more info, visit kathycaprino.com and connect with Kathy on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube.