3 destructive communication flaws – and how to fix them

These bad habits can sink your relationships and impede your career

By Kathy Caprino

27 Mar 2018

As a coach working with folks to improve their lives and careers, I hear from hundreds of people a month who are dealing with a wide variety of personal and professional problems. What’s become abundantly clear is that there are several common, damaging communication patterns that contribute to or exacerbate our life and work challenges, but most often, people are not at all aware of them.

Here are three communication flaws I see regularly that crush success, empowerment and fulfillment:

Snarkiness

The most common communication flaw I see every day, a hundred times a day, is what I call ‘snarkiness’ – being mean, harsh, demeaning, disrespectful, and slapping someone down with disdain and sarcasm. It might be enjoyable for some (in a sadistic way) to be snarky to others, and some individuals find it helps them relieve their anxiety and insecurity for a split second. But in the long run, it destroys relationships, crushes opportunities and closes pathways to greater happiness, success and fulfillment.

Tip: If you find you’re addicted to snarkiness, it’s helpful to think about how old that behavior is.

What you get out of it – what is the core reason you keep putting others down in a demeaning way? Then consider what you’re losing by engaging in it. I’m guessing you’ll be able to remember just when it started in your life, and perhaps see how it was a coping mechanism for your feeling hurt, betrayed and abandoned by others.

Defensiveness

I remember a painful time in my corporate life when I was presenting some big marketing plans for a product I was responsible for to a group of senior leaders, and the President didn’t like what I was recommending. He pushed back in what I felt was a disrespectful way. I began to get defensive and upset internally, and then the emotions starting flowing. I had continually felt misunderstood and devalued by this individual, and this time was no different.

Unfortunately, all of that showed, in my words, responses, my facial expressions and body language. When I look back, I realize that I was overly emotional and unable to remain calm and collected because deep down, I didn’t feel secure or experienced in that role, nor did I feel I had the support of senior leadership, and that made me feel very defensive and unsafe.

But when we communicate defensively, we reveal to everyone that we feel unsafe and unprotected, and we let it show that we’re not secure in our own views and beliefs. And that engenders in others a greater loss of faith in us.

Tip: When you’re receiving critique, do your best to experience the critique or criticism without racing to your own defense. Take three deep breaths, down to your toes. Listen to what’s being said with as much objectivity and calm as possible, and do what you can to neutralize your “fight or flight” response. Respond authoritatively and calmly, from a place of knowing and self-assurance, not from a stance of defending and protecting. If the critique is unfair or cruel, figure out the best way to address that, but most likely, it's not getting defensive in front of a crowd.

Rambling on and on

Often in coaching individuals, we have limited time in which to cover a lot of ground. Many folks will ramble on and on, not being able to be clear, focused or direct about what they want and what they’re experiencing. I’ll typically have to intervene and ask some pointed questions that get them back on track.

The same goes for meetings and gatherings. This lack of focus in your communications, especially in situations such as meetings where you have a very short amount of time in which to offer your ideas effectively and cogently, can hurt your chances of being seen as authoritative and competent.

Tip: Do your best to prepare for your important conversations, presentations and meetings so you can get to the point quickly and powerfully. Know what you want to say, and practice it with another before the meeting, if that’s helpful. Make sure that what you share is relevant and moves the discussion forward, and isn’t a monologue that adds nothing to the conversation. Cut out all the fat and any unhelpful emotion (often the right level and balance of emotion is necessary to make a compelling point), and make sure that you know in one core sentence the most important point you’re trying to drive home.

Kathy Caprino, M.A. is an international career and personal growth coach, writer, speaker and leadership developer dedicated to the helping professionals build happier, braver lives and careers. The author of Breakdown, Breakthrough, and founder of Ellia Communications, Inc., the Amazing Career Project and Amazing Career Certification training for coaches, she is also a leading contributor on Forbes, Thrive Global, and LinkedIn, a TEDx speaker, and top media source on career and personal growth, leadership, and women's issues. For more info, visit kathycaprino.com and connect with Kathy on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube.