So, what comes next?

Terry Pritchard is chief executive of Charter HCP

This is a question NOBODY can answer with any degree of certainty, including the self-proclaimed industry sage’s who seem to believe they have the answer to everyone’s woes.

How I wish they would keep quiet or at least offer practical advice rather than use an unprecedented period of chaos as their catalyst to boost their own ego’s.

I am not saying don’t discuss things but FFS stop self-promoting, it is nothing short of embarrassing and comes across as disingenuous. PLEASE STOP!

Now to completely contradict what I have just said and blatantly self-promote I have listed below TRP’s guide to self -preservation during a pandemic or global crisis involving chemical weapon terrorism (which this clearly is). Those f**king bats!

• Immediately purchase an NBC (Nuclear Biological and Chemical warfare) suit. The good news is I have 1200 in a lock-up in Peckham I borrowed during my time in the RAF. They have no sell-by date, so these are good to go at only £500 each.
• Buy a used WW2 gas mask with canister (I also have these in stock and can do a deal on the pair).
• Buy some wellington boots (B&Q £12.99) or £40 if supplied by me (same boots but I am, or at least my son Tom will be taking the exposure risk). Slippers can be used but they need to be fully enclosed and not backless or as they are now termed “sliders”, which they are using mainly in Essex and Manchester with very poor data figures.
• STOP opening any post today and ignore any phone calls from numbers you do not recognise… Nothing good can come from ignoring this advice.
• Remove yourself from LinkedIn (this is where the majority of modern-day prophets lurk, offering their tainted and biased view on the world and its troubles.
• Only read good news articles and Mortgage Introducer (they paid me to say that).
• Send ALL your remaining money to the NHS, or alternatively the Donkey Trust, as apparently these are the second most import living things after humans (for those who take offence at my last comment I am highlighting that we are sending our hard earned to other areas of the world and as we are not a big user or abuser of donkeys maybe the NHS workers need our cash a bit more at the moment, to help stop our loved ones dying and stay alive themselves. I have nothing against donkeys!).
• Immediately go and start hoarding things that would be insufficient supply should you not do this, but as everyone else is doing it you must join in. If you are one of those that did then shame on you!
• Furlough any staff you may have or just ignore them and take them off the payroll without advising them.
• Keep one person on and instruct them to remove said staff but make sure they do it from their computer so you have someone to blame when arrested. Once they have done all that fire them for gross misconduct!
• And most important of all make a public declaration you are open (or closed) for business and do the exact opposite by either making it impossible to write a case or alternatively get some money out of the door under the radar to avoid non-utilisation clauses in your funding lines. Obviously, these will be outside criteria as what is left rarely complies now.

Look I wrote the above to make you smile so do not take it too seriously (well, not all of you). The real facts are:

• The world will never be quite the same for a long time if ever.
• The market will return, and in line with history will bounce with a positive upside to where we were prior to the issue, for a little while at least (that last bit is an opinion…sorry).
• We will try and forget and conveniently succeed in ignoring any lessons we should have learned.
• This will be a land of opportunity for those prepared to take a punt early on and who have the vision.
• Those self-professed prophets/sages will prosper no matter what I or anyone else thinks, because the reality is they often have a point, they just pretend to care when generally they don’t give a toss about the small guy (really they don’t).
• Boris Johnson will be knighted (I am currently offering this at 4/5, for credit account holders only) for surviving the illness.
• We will survive and we will buy a lot of PPE for the future.
• And the proposed Sir Tom will end up Lord Tom as he is a real hero, especially with those knees (ouch).

Now for the party-political broadcast.

Last year I had a very serious illness that culminated in open heart surgery. The NHS were an amazing group of people (apart from when they literally kicked me out), and if you think how scarred some people are in lockdown, imagine how they feel going to work everyday to face the problem head-on that is killing so many others, and witnessing the suffering.

Think how you would feel. THE ONLY ADVICE WE SHOULD BE FOLLOWING IS STAY INSIDE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN IT PROTECTS EVERYONE BY HELPING TO STOP THE SPREAD.

AS WINSTON SAID (CHURCHILL NOT RAY) NEVER HAVE SO MANY OWED SO MUCH TO SO FEW! (or words similar).

I think that may be true today as well.

ACT RESPONSIBLY AND PLEASE STAY SAFE.